I've heard that 'it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all', but have you heard of 'never have loved at all and feeling the loss'?
I think that's what happened. I was apprehensive to describe why Friday was so wretched, but last night as I was trying to sleep, I figured that maybe it should be done. Let me tell you this story.
Last Friday was wretched because I think I got my heart accidentally broken. It was the last thing I expected that could ever happen. See, there's this guy I know and we've been friends for about 7 years now. And that's it. However, on Friday morning before work officially started, and was checking this networking program where I noticed he had changed his status from 'single' to 'in a relationship'.
It was a noisy morning that day, with folks walking in and out. Had it been quiet, I might have heard a snap of something breaking into two. The place where my heart was was numb with pain. I had stopped breathing for a few seconds and when I finally did, the tears just rolled out. I had to run to the bathroom. Could I have been secretly harbouring feelings for this guy that even I wasn't aware of?
I haven't had the chance to talk to him after that (he works far away across miles of ocean) , so I have no idea who the girl is or anything... and as a friend, I'm supposed to be happy for him, but now I find myself wondering what is it that is wrong with me.
I managed to surpress all those thoughts that night by running for 40 minutes until I was so tired, and spent Saturday out with the girls. I stayed away as far as I could from any computer that day. In the end, I thought that it was just a shock, and that I actually did not have any romantic feelings for this guy and all was fine.
But on Sunday, when I went to order a copy of HP and the Deathly Hallows, my mom casually remarked:
Mom: Pity the guy... he got you the previous book. Friends don't do that. Is it more than friends? (she was referring to the fact that he bought for me the 6th HP book two years ago, (books are ridiculously expensive in Malaysia) and that she and my dad got worried because I kept saying he was my friend and they thought that there's something more and one of us were bound to get hurt someday) How could I tell her that he has someone else, and after all this while after learning that fact I realised that I did like him - more than a friend?
Upon hearing what she said, the dull ache came back in a gush. I looked away lest she saw the tears welling in my eyes. I shook my head and said 'no'. Throughout the day, I felt like crying and did so too. Only the fact that I had a mild flu hid the fact that the red eyes and nose was because I cried and not really the flu.
I'm so ridiculously sad, but I find myself unable to tell anyone about this... not my close freinds from uni, or school, or my parents or even my sister. My parents and sister should not know how much this information is hurting me.
It's awful, to think that you realise that you have feeling for someone only after you know that you have no chance to get in the picture. I have the first experience of a broken heart without ever having the feeling of being properly in love. What am I going to do?